Drunk
by Death and Destruction Co
Summary: Vegeta gets drunk. Very drunk. Bulma acts blonde...even though she has blue or maybe purple hair. Two psychotic fanwriters watch their every move... General randomness ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Okay we've been a little unproductive lately and yes I have started the instructions on how to take over the world in seven days but it's harder than you think! Okay here goes…DD

Hooray, a story is FINALLY UP. I'm not sure whether this is a one-shot or not…depends on the general feeling and reviews out there. Enjoy…Death

BTW...Everything in brackets is us making comments…Just so you know…

**Disclaimer: **We own not the giant mushroom commonly known as DBZ. The only thing we own are swirly around chairs, a lot of spare time, cramps in our fingers and the foil wrappers from several blocks of chocolate strewn randomly around. So don't mess with us!

The story is called:

**Drunk**

But may also be known as…

**In Which Vegeta Becomes Drunk and does Incredibly Strange Things which we can't tell You Otherwise you won't Read the Story and just Glean everything from the title which would be Bad Enough without the Added Danger of you Backing out and not Reading down to the Bottom of the Page and press the little Submit Review button….And for those who were Wondering about the Attack of Giant Spoons…don't. We Made it up…(hee hee) No Hard Feelings, ay?**

Bulma hummed quietly to herself as she walked silently down the hallway. It was late at night and she had just finished another one of Vegeta's battle droids. As the young scientist/inventor neared the lounge room she noticed some muted noises. Thinking that someone had left the TV on she strode boldly into the room.

But the TV wasn't on.

No, it was Vegeta that was making the noises. He was muttering to himself and glaring at the whiskey bottle in his hand. Vegeta glanced over to Bulma as she entered.

"Come here, woman!"

Bulma raised her eyebrows. As scary as he was at times she wasn't about to meekly obey his every order like a…a slave! "I'm going to bed Vegeta! I don't need to-"

The warrior was suddenly at her side and pulled her roughly to sit down on the couch. Vegeta plonked himself next to the poor woman and placed a calloused hand on her knee to keep her from leaving.

Vegeta took another swig from the near empty bottle.

"Listen up, woman! I have some very important things to tell you! Nobody understands why I do things and it's annoying the hell out me!" he imitated someone in a high-pitched voice that sounded suspiciously like Bulma's. "But why, Vegeta? Why are you so unemotional? Why? Why do you like killing things? Why do you wanna kill Karkkarot?" Bulma, which we have now realised, must have thought this was the only time she could ever get answers out of the moody warrior without him blowing her up promptly. Pity he was so drunk he couldn't understand her.

His voice was slightly slurred by now. And unintelligible.

'Moosha grooowsquic knen Kaakarrot….Keekkerooott….mooahahaha….'

Was he drunk? She wondered…

_(Quite possibly Bulma…OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK! Are you blind?)_

"Bah! I'll tell you why, woman! Karkkarot is a stupid, annoying surprisingly good warrior. I'd rather beat him than kill him! You don't get a sparring partner that's **almost** as good as the mighty Lord Vegeta everyday!"

_(Mighty Lord Vegeta? ALL HAIL THE SEXIEST SAIYAJIN!)_

Bulma was getting a little curious. Could she get Vegeta drunk to learn more about him perhaps? It could be possible…

(_Bulma, always being nosy; this is a bad thing to do around Vegeta…and if Bulma wasn't so stupid she would have realised that! And we know all the bad, terrible things that can come about when you're trying to find out about Vegeta's past don't we Death? He doesn't talk about it for a reason! He's traumatised! Doesn't anybody understand? Death: Calm down, Destruction and watch the movie...)_

"And in any case his tactics are sound!"

Bulma looked at him slyly… "Vegeta, do you hate me?" Stupid question Bulma. Once again you have proven to be a complete BIMBO! She cringed, waiting for the inevitable 'No.' However, what she received was something quite different…

Vegeta chucked his empty whiskey bottle across the room and started on a six-pack of beer. "Only when you annoy me, when you don't build or fix things for me and when you wear those denim shorts."

The woman looked at him confusedly. "Why do you hate me when I wear shorts?"

He chuckled – a disturbing sound for anyone in the vicinity.

(_And we are most definitely disturbed, aren't we Death? We're hiding behind the curtain to record what's going on for our fanfic! Death: Can't breathe...being smothered…by bad-taste curtains…)_

Enjoyment! Personal pleasure! All of the above? Bulma had no idea.

"Because," Vegeta leered at her and leaned closer, "You don't look as ugly as you normally do in them and that crap warrior wannabe looks at you in a way I don't like. If you're going to wear those things you will only wear them for me!" Vegeta thumped his chest with an open hand to emphasize this point like some kind of primitive…warrior.

(_Vegeta is soooo cute when he does that! All the same that guy needs a warning label! Yeah…Open this side up…or Dangerous toxins present…or beware of dog! DD: (raises eyebrow) Not exactly what I meant Death…)_

Bulma leaned back to escape his captivating if not drunken gaze, "Uh you mean Yamcha? Okay then…" She had been going through all of the Z warriors, wondering which one he meant, because, well, he hated all the warriors. Finally, she had chosen Yamcha, based on Vegeta blowing a crater 60 metres deep where Yamcha had been standing the other day for no particular reason.

Captivating- Bulma you are sooooo not with it today! It's unfocused! His gaze is unfocused and drunk! Swiftly she shook her head to rid it of the mental images of his captivating…no drunk gaze, her purple (or is it blue?) hair flying in all directions, quite a lot of it whipping across Vegeta's eyes, rendering him blind for a few precious seconds, in which Bulma may have escaped. But seeing as how she was busy waving her hair around, the opportunity was overlooked.

Vegeta nodded and leaned back into his seat starting a third bottle of Carlton Draught.

(_DD: Driven around by horses! Lol It's a big ad! Lol you will probably only get this if you are Australian…AUZZIE AUZZIE AUZZIE! Death: Expensive ad!My God it's big! It's freakin huge!This ad better sell some blooody beeeerrrr! He hee!)_

Bulma decided now would be a good time to get back to Vegeta's favourite subject. "What will you do when you defeat Karkkarot?"

He sighed, "Buy a house with a white picket fence, and raise a family. Maybe a few dogs. Ah, that's the life!"

Bulma stared at him...could he? Would he? Or was he jerking her around again? It was basically his favourite pastime so it was very likely. Extremely likely. Likelyerly likely.

_(Bulma PLEASE do not even ponder at that! You need BIMBO written in permanent marker across you're forehead! Hmmm, Death what do you think? Death: (Grabs branding iron and waves it around threateningly) Sounds good!)_

Vegeta burst out laughing. Maniacal, evil, psychopathic laughter echoed across the room. Then it rebounded and came straight back with a passion. And a vengeance. And accompanied by several dust motes. "Of course not woman! I don't know what I'd do! Though," he paused for a moment, "I'd like an heir to carry on the Vegetasei legacy and beat any of Karkkarot's brats!"

Bulma sighed. The second 'life goal' was a little more reassuring. She couldn't see Vegeta raising a family in a house with a white picket fence; or dogs for that matter. She had it on good authority that he preferred cats, if the cat pelts littering his room were any evidence.

Our favourite Sayajin then proceeded to gasp! I'm talking a huge OMFG GATHP! He then looked around the room out of the corner of his eyes. Bulma, our dear uninformed (and un-uniformed)Bulma was once again befuddled. Vegeta then leaped to his feet with a roar of "DAMN HIM! HE BETAYED ME!" and then swayed so far he fell back into his seat. He then proceeded to mutter something along the lines of 'The bread…is gone…'

"Who betrayed you?" Bulma again, asking the obviously…poor er...and drunk uninformed child with a wary air.

"The Bread man!" Vegeta snarled, "He was going to tell me how to become a Super Sayajin but he said he needed a nap first. And now he's GONE! He's about a foot high, is made of a loaf of bread and several different types of rolls and has a voice that sounds suspiciously like Karkkarot! I bet he was controlling him!"

Vegeta lapsed into silence and Bulma decided to safely join him again on the lounge, having fallen off when Vegeta realised the fantasy bread man was missing from the homely living room.

Vegeta opened the sixth beer. Bulma looked at him out of the corner of her eyes and decided to test just how far his ego went. The temptation was too great.

_(DD: We all know this is a bad move, don't we Death! Death: Indeedioobly we do!)_

"Vegeta, just how strong and manly do you think you are?"

He turned slowly, fixing her with a piercing gaze and she was suddenly gasping for breath as his hand squeezed her throat painfully.

_Okay_ Bulma thought _wrong question!_

"Strong enough to break your neck without much pressure." He snarled, "And definitely manly enough to have you scream out my name before long!"

**Definitely**_ the WRONG question! I should have phrased that another way…_

Bulma actually blushed. She could feel the blood rushing to her face, staining her cheeks an unsightly red. _Bulma – you have NO control do you? _She screamed inside her head.

"Uh, Vegeta. Please, not from you. It just doesn't sound right coming from your mouth." She choked out. "And would you mind releasing me?"

He looked into her eyes and smirked, "We'll see how 'wrong' it is eventually. You'll change your mind."

(_Yes Vegeta, anyone who knows the OT of DBZ knows that Bulma does in fact change her mind, but lets move on to some PG13 content shall we?)_

He released her and drained the last bottle of Carlton Draught. Bulma breathed huge gasps of air and rubbed her neck. Vegeta swayed. He turned to her and said, "You know, I never really liked pickles." He dropped into unconsciousness.

Bulma slowly eased herself off the seat, trying not to wake the man who had as many sides as a tetrahedragon. Whatever that is. Then she smirked. Vegeta was unconscious. Vegeta was very unconscious. Vegeta was very unconscious and she just happened to have a pair of green contacts, peroxide and some glow in the dark paint. Hmmmmm…let's summarise the facts.

Super Saiyan likeness, giant ego, unconscious and drunk Vegeta, unsuspecting Goku, Vegeta's amazing faith in his own strength and manliness... peroxided blonde hair, contacted green eyes, glowing-ness from the glow in the dark paint which worked so well in the movie the Hound of the Baskervilles with Sherlock Holmes... That dog had looked so evil and glowy...Oh the possibilities!

Grabbing the necessary materials, Bulma set to work on the soon-to-be- fake Super Saiyan.

**The End! (or is it?)**

_And so my friends we have come to know more of our good, uh anti-hero Vegeta. We have seen the not-so-killer Vegeta, the not-so-hateful Vegeta, the delirious Vegeta, the perverted Vegeta, the family man Vegeta and the vicious/perverted Vegeta. Hope you enjoyed! Destruction, over and out!_

_Well, if you want this fic to continue, you must review. If you prefer it as a one-shot, tell us and review anyway. We are going to cut away soon from humour and write more Vegeta-centric DBZ fics with torture and action and Yamcha-bashing and stuff!_

_So keep us alive! Review!_

_From Death_


	2. Chapter 2

WOOOOO! Death here. 9 reviews! That's colossal, huge, stupendous, really really big and stuff! Happy that someone loves us, we are continuing this story! So celebrate all my minions! Death's minions: (general noises of celebration)

Moving on…your turn to say something Destruction…

**Destruction-** Hey hey! It's Destruction here! Thanks for all the reviews! We felt so loved! **WarriorFormallyKnownAsPrince**,** dominikki**, **Sayiea**, **vegetafanic1**, **Kawaii-Chan the Anime Angel**, **Yami Moh **( I love you Momo, my faithful altar sever!), **DixieBlonde** and "**update now!**" (well that was extremely nuss, wouldn't you say so Death? Very subtle…) thankyou once again for your reviews and I hope you are reading this right now! Yes – we know that our story is great/strange/whacked! It's a good thing! Here – all of you who reviewed can have a cheese weasel and a cookie!

**Disclaimer: **Disclaimers are a waste of space. Go away, space-waster! Oooh, be scared. Be very scared. Our company is on the rampage. Our company is Death and Destrucution Co. Um...no der? No, Death…and…Destruction….NO!...oh forget it.

This story is still called

**Drunk**

But may also be known as…

**In Which Vegeta is Tricked into Thinking he has Miraculously Somehow Become a Super Saiyan during his Drunken Stupor…Bulma acts Remarkably Dopey and Blonde for Someone with Purple Hair …or is it Blue? I Still Can't Tell…um…Goku Takes up the Noble Art of Stilt-Walking and Several Birds that don't Actually Belong anywhere near Asia where this show is Set are Mysteriously Heard….oh no I just Told you Everything that Is Going to Happen in this Chapter…NO…Come Back! NOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Vegeta laughed. He laughed loud. He laughed so loud that it was heard miles away and several birds were startled into flight and crashed head on into a mountain at full speed and consequently died, emitting a strange squawking sound as they did so. Having recently awoken from his drunken stupor and discovered he had become Super Saiyan, he had quite a lot to laugh about. Of course, as everyone knows, this is not possible in any sense, form or peanut (or CHEESE WEASLE!) but all must take into account Vegeta was not thinking logically. Or philosophically. Or sarcastically. Or metaphorically. Or at all, really.

Being completely sure of his superior manliness and strength, he assumed something within his manliness-ess and strength-ness had triggered a chemical reaction that stimulated the neurons and asphyxiated the nerve endings, sending chemical messages spreading all through the body and lashing their cells together to send a chain reaction down the rows of muscle tissue to the brain, where all the brain cells were combusting violently and darting rapidly about, which caused an aura of light to spread through his pores and engulf all in an explosions similar to the explosion of a nuclear bomb…Or maybe he didn't. Maybe that was completely off the mark.

(_Death: Geez, that was technical. My brain hurts. Destruction, your head hasn't exploded has it? DD: No…I don't think so…let me check!)_

So Vegeta, completely ignoring Bulma, who crouched amongst empty peroxide bottles, discarded glow in the dark paint tins and a very suspicious opened container containing green contacts with a confused expression and flew out of the window. Bulma stared for a moment before drifting over to the window and watching the blue aura left in the sky from his flight slowly dissipate. 'Vegeta,' she said with an air of perplexing-ness, 'Where are you going?" Bulma waited patiently for an answer. He didn't answer.

_(Death: Of course HE DIDN'T ANSWER, YOU IDIOT! He's not there any more! God! How dumb can you get! DD: I believe that's as far as you can go Death. She's stupider than a cheese weasel. Mmmm…cheese weasel…(opens a packet of cheese weasels and eats loudly with an open mouth) Death: Destruction that is not at all…STOP THAT!))_

Vegeta landed, approximately 30 km from where he had taken off and stumbled slightly upon landing. He then pulled his posture straight and looked around. Hopefully no-one had noticed. Taking a deep breath, he bellowed, 'KARKKAROT! Where are you!' Waiting for about 3 seconds, he repeated the exercise, 'KARKKA…'

'Right here, Vegeta. No need to shout.' Vegeta let out a kind of yelp and whirled around, inwardly furious that the idiot had managed to scare him. He opened his mouth to…and abruptly forgot what he was about to say. He looked at Goku, looked up and up. And up and up. And up. Vegeta now had his head at around a 120 degree angle and felt all his spine crack. 'ARE YOU MOCKING ME?' Goku, the imbecile, the half-wit, the inbred was on stilts, which, as stilts tend to do, raised him far above the other Saiyan's height and made him so tall he was actually blocking out the sun.

Goku peered good-naturedly down from his stilts at the enraged Vegeta dancing around waving his fists below. 'Hmm,' he murmured. 'I didn't know Vegeta had taken up dancing. KEEP IT UP VEGETA! YOU LOOK PRETTY SMALL DOWN THERE SO I CAN'T REALLY SEE IT! HEY, HAVE YOU SHRUNK LATELY?'

These words made Vegeta jump about even more vigorously than before and Goku smiled dimly. Then he felt a sudden blow to one of his stilts, than the other. Then he was falling, so shocked that, like all birds before cars and cheese weasels before trains, he forgot he had the ability to fly and simply…fell.

Vegeta, practically frothing at the mouth by this stage, had kicked the fool's stilts out from under him and he took a savage pleasure on watching Goku's body hit the ground with a satisfying 'splat' noise, still with his eternal confused expression fixed on his face. Goku got to his feet slowly, rubbing his tender backside. 'Gee, Vegeta, what was that for?' Vegeta growled loudly. Suddenly Goku noticed something different about Vegeta. He jumped backwards a pace in astonishment. 'Vegeta, there's something different about you!'

Vegeta completely forgot about the stilt incident and struck a pose. 'Indeed, there is!'

He waited for Goku to state the obvious. He was not disappointed. 'Um, why are you wearing green contacts and why are you covered with glow in the dark paint? Erm, and why did you dye your hair blonde? Looks kinda strange, really.'

Vegeta snorted at this. 'No, you pitiful third class fool, I have ascended, made the leap, gone to the next level, updated, uploaded, upgraded!' Goku stared blankly. The Saiyan sighed sarcastically. 'I'm a Super Saiyan, you cheese weasel. A Super Saiyan!'

'Um, no, you're not. And what on earth is a cheese weasel?'

'Yes, I am. And 'cheese weasel' is an insult. Very hurtful, or so I perceived. It is also a type of cheese-flavoured snack that is incredibly stupid. Dumb. Dim-witted.'

'No, you're not. And erm, I'm not offended. Or hurt. Where did you hear that?'

'Yes I AM! And, for your information, I overheard some Earth child say it to another a couple of days ago. The other started to cry. It is a very vicious insult.'

'Er, no it isn't.'

'Yes it is!'

'I'm not crying.'

CRACK! Knee to the groin. Goku sank to the ground bawling his eyes out.

'You're crying now.'

'Why'd ….you do…. that?'

'Oh, that was the next thing the Earth child did after the insult.'

'Ah.'

Bulma entered the scene suddenly, racing across the grass with her arms outstretched towards Vegeta. 'Vegeta,' she cried breezily, 'where did you go?' Everyone present raised one eyebrow slightly, including a nearby bird, except for Goku, who wasn't talented enough and raised both eyebrows. Is it needless to say no-one answered her?

_(Death; Well it's too late NOW. You already said it (hangs from nearby tree branch watching scene unfold) Don't you agree, DD? DD: (nods vigorously while concentrating on maintaining balance, nodding vigorously and raising an eyebrow) Most certainly I do Death!)_

Suddenly, from a nearby tree came a tremendous crash. All turned to stare as a distinct voice distinctly muttered, 'I never was good at climbing trees.' Another voice cried out quickly, as though to explain the huge sound that was still reverberating around the countryside, 'K-kaw. K-kaw!'

Goku cocked his head. 'I know that sound. That's the cry of the Borneo jungle piper. Can't imagine what it's doing all the way over here.'

Immediately there was scuffling noises and someone sighed with an air of exasperation. 'Good one, Destruction. Greeeattt bird call there.' There was a short silence, than, 'Why thank you, Death!' This was followed by another sigh. The two authoresses bickered amongst themselves for a moment before another bird call rang out to explain the first one. 'Koookkaahahhaaaaaaaahhhaaaaa!'

Goku nodded in surprise. 'And that's the call of the Australian Kookaburra. Geez, it's flown really far from its native country when it's not found anywhere else in the world.'

Goku paused as if he was contemplating the pure strength and endurance of such an amazing creature.

There was more scuffling from the grass and then a, 'You idiot, let me try. Ahem, Looooooooooop-diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-looooooooooooooooooooooo!'

Everyone turned to Goku for an explanation. He shook his head after a minute. 'That's no bird I've ever heard before.'

The two authoresses were becoming panicked. After falling from the tree, their grass-covered hats had fallen off, the corks dangling from their special keep-the-flies-off-you- headbands kept on getting in between their binoculars and their eyes and their cover-up bird cries weren't working. Destruction sat up confidently. 'Don't worry. I'll put an end to this!' She opened her mouth wide and…Death stamped down hard on her foot. So what came out was…'Whooooaaarrghgghhbloooarrggghhh!'

Vegeta lifted his head. 'I know that…that's the mating call of the Shooorraaavvarrkiiannnn-mmmooooossskkkkirrrriiiittyyyyymooooo species on the moon of Shrrooorraavarrkkian-moooskirrittyymoooplacemoon. Well it was anyway. I wiped out the entire planet. They had a stupid name.' Everyone nodded understandingly. Vegeta sighed reminiscently. 'Oh I remember when they…' Muffled swearing exploded out of the undergrowth where the two were trying to get closer to the group without being seen. Unfortunately, the bushes they had chosen to conceal themselves in happened to be poison ivy and thorn bushes.

Bulma chose at this time to stare in alarm at Vegeta's head. 'Erm, Vegeta, that peroxide I put in your hair is sort of…making your hair fall out.'

He turned to her and laughed a disbelieving kind of laugh. 'Don't be stupid woman. It's not peroxide, I am a Super Saiyan!'

'Actually, you're..' started Goku but stopped talking when Vegeta turned a dangerous glare on him and mouthed the words 'cheese weasel.'

'No, really Vegeta, you hair's falling out!' Bulma butted in. 'Hmm,' she said quietly, stroking a non-existent beard in a wise fashion. 'Who would have thought peroxide could make your hair fall out?' And indeed it was. Soon all of Vegeta's hair was on the ground and…not on his head. By this time, Vegeta realised he was not, indeed, Super Saiyan after Bulma, stupidly, told him what she had done. He was holding off the ground by her throat when she shoved a mirror at him in self-defence. He shrieked and clutched at it. 'For Kami's sake, I look like that dumb short monk, Krill or an or whatever his name is!' Bulma dared to offer an opinion. 'Krillan?'

'Yeah, him too.' Vegeta waved a white-gloved hand around dismissively. 'What am I going to do?'

Bulma again unwisely offered a suggestion. 'You could wear a wig.'

Vegeta looked up, his dark eyes dangerously dark. 'Excuse me?'

'You know a wig!' Bulma plowed on excitedly. 'I have a neat curly one…and a bright red one and oh wow, you'll look so good in the purple bob!', not noticing the angry Saiyan approaching her with clenched fists, a bald head and shiny features.

The two authoresses watched the following scene, wincing and 'ooh'ing, shaking their heads with feigned sympathy. 'Because, after all, we did write it would happen to her,' Destruction remarked off-handedly. 'Indeedioobly,' answered Death on-handedly.

Vegeta, understandably upset held Bulma upside down and began shaking her like a dog would a particularly disagreeable bone. Goku chose this moment to wisely escape the wrath of Vegeta and his wife Chi-Chi's by returning home to eat 10kg or so of chicken wings. In his haste he tripped over several large and suspicious looking thorn and poison ivy bushes that were sitting quite randomly in the middle of a grassy area. Some muffled swearing then some muffled shushing followed his moment of clumsiness.

"You did this woman! Fix it!" Vegeta roared.

It didn't really have an effect on Bulma since she was giggling, chirping, gurgling and making other sounds of happiness and enjoyment. A typical reaction for Bulma who, much like a cheese weasel never had a good idea of what was going on around her.

"Woman if you don't fix this I will walk around IN PUBLIC with YOU in the lime green pants and pink 'bad man' top you gave me!"

Bulma gasped as if this was the most horrible thing one could do to another and Vegeta smirked realising that he had at last made the woman see reason.

"Do you still have those?" Bulma asked quizzically.

Vegeta of course, kept them in prime condition in the back of his closet by having them dry cleaned regularly but that wasn't the point. He groaned, believing there was no hope. No hope for him and his precious hair, which was quite a desired trait on Earth by now.

"My dad has this hair regrowth cream. He uses it so he doesn't go bald. If I boosted it with some radioactive particles it might stimulate the hair follicles, resulting in extremely fast hair regrowth. I'm sure we could-"

Vegeta flew off back to Capsule Corp. still holding Bulma upside down; whose face was quite red by now so she was complaining that flying her around upside down was doing nothing for her complexion. Vegeta grunted and glided into the slipstream.

Okay so that's it! Or is it? Shall we continue? Quite possibly, but if you review you can be sure of another amazing, strange, whacked chapter of Drunk!

**Death and Destruction Co.** – where all you death-defying, destructive, random dreams come true!


	3. Chapter 3

HHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

**DD: **Thank you to everyone who reviewed. That is, if you want to be specific, **Kawaii-Chan the Anime Angel, Tennis Pirate, Yami Moh, Yami Wah, Gabi, Seri, Not Affiliated with D&D Co and Shubaltz's – girl!**

**Death:** For those that didn't, we growl and wring our fists in your general direction!

**DD:** That wasn't very nice, Death.

**Death:** Go boil your bottom, Destruction. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! You wiper of other people's bottoms! Now back off, before I taunt you a second time!

**DD:** Right! (pulls out huge gun)

**Death:** Mooahahahah! (pulls out equally huge gun)

**Booooommmmmmm crash booommmmmm!**

Rightio, as the Authoresses try and reassemble themselves from ashes, we move on to the Disclaimer…BTW, the insults used by Death to insult Destruction are not their own. They were borrowed from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. They said we could use them. No, honestly they said, 'Young girls, please take the work that took it ages to come up with and use it to insult each other on an online writing site masquerading as two dastardly beings that you aren't really.' And we looked at each other and took them, leaving in return a fading cry of 'Yoink!'

**Disclaimer:** Blah, blah, blah, something about not owning DBZ…that's bullox! Of course we own it! Right?

This Story is called:

**Drunk **

But may also be known as:

**In which we Ponder the Meaning of Nervous Twitches and the Particularly Annoying Individual that Appears on our Televisions and Dominates our Every Waking Moment with that Horrendous Jingle trying to Advertise Channel 7 Prime whose Reputation has Dropped into the Arctic End of the Scale Since she Appeared, the Dreaded, Dismaying, Horrifying tune of "Is the weather getting cooler? Ask Noolla!" and "Is the temperature risin'? Noolla's analysing!" and other bad rhyming Words…Noolla…who Finally Dies after Vegeta gets Particularly Annoyed one Day…or does She? The Prime Possum is also Seriously Injured During the Attack ("Goodnight, Prime Possum!"), his Possum Suit Burned Beyond Recognition and May Never Remove Said Possum Suit…Go buy a calf shield today! Calf shields are cool! Calf shields are fun! They make your calves look as big as the Sun! This chapter sponsored by Channel 7 Prime and Golfing Cape Calf Shields Corp.**

_(DD: The first part of this chapter was written at approximately 11.25pm. You will no doubt realize that as you read. Late night writing can do strange things to your mind…Death: yawns loudly and falls off bed with a loud thump)_

Vegeta twitching is never a good thing. When Vegeta's eye twitches, it tends to mean that he is extremely annoyed, flustered or embarrassed, which in turn leads to a dangerous set of ki blasts aimed at anyone he doesn't particularly like.

(_Death: As if a supreme being like Vegeta ever gets embarrassed! DD: Unfortunately with Bulma around embarrassing situations have been tending to occur more regularly. Death: That's a cheese weasel for you!)_

When Vegeta's jaw twitches it is inclined to be before an explosion of rude, crude and cruel words that would generally be bleeped out for the safety of young people's minds. When his hands are twitching, he is generally about to let loose a stream of ki blasts that will leave the unfortunate victim as several ash particles floating in a breeze above a mile wide crater.

But what does it mean when Vegeta is lying on the floor in front of a T.V, twitching, shaking and shouting things in a dead alien language in a nervous fit?

Obviously something extremely traumatic that has unstabled his already fragile mind.

(_DD: It must be memories of his tragic past as a cold-blooded killer! Death: Or maybe he's choking on a cheese weasel? They pondered…)_

Unfortunately it was in this sorry state that Bulma found Vegeta one morning when she had ventured downstairs to see why she hadn't been roughly awakened, that is picked up and thrown out her window into the pool followed by a "Cook me some food, woman!", by Vegeta. Quite obviously he couldn't complete his routine rudeness in his current state.

Becoming bold, Bulma knelt beside his pathetic, twitching body

(_Death and Destruction burst into sympathetic wails!) _

and held out a single forefinger in his general direction. She poked him once, twice, several times, which would usually gain an extremely destructive and generally dangerous result. When Vegeta didn't respond to her incessant poking, Bulma in her infinite wisdom, knew something was up.

Grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him she shouted directly into his face, "Vegeta! What do you want for breakfast?"

_(Death and Destruction are thoroughly worried by now. You can tell because their hands are shaking so much that when they try to bite their nails they end up biting their finger instead, ruining the tasteless curtains which they hid behind.)_

Realising, amazingly that she wasn't getting through to him; Bulma dropped Vegeta and turned to the previously ignored and disregarded T.V. A horrible, terrible, disgustingly catchy jingle was playing repeatedly, made even more unbearable by the face of a dark-skinned woman with black curly hair trying dismally to put on a thinking face. She was obviously a weather girl.

"Is the weather getting cooler? Ask Noolla! Is the temperature rising? Noolla's analyzing!" is how the jingle went.

Following her first or second instinct, Bulma grabbed the nearby remote, fumbling and dropping it in her haste, and turned off the T.V. Bulma breathed a sigh of relief, as did Death and Destruction, glad the nightmare was over. She returned to the twitching Vegeta who was, by pure miracle, no longer twitching.

However he was clenching and unclenching his hands so perhaps he wasn't quite alright…

"Woman," he said in a low growl, "get me the co-ordinates of the woman in that human advertisement. Now."

Bulma rushed to obey; glad she didn't have to risk burning down the kitchen, for she had done so twice already, by cooking him breakfast. Vegeta busied himself by eating any meal that was left in the fridge or pantry in record time. Which perhaps was not the best thing to do as he might get indigestion. Bulma handed him the exact position of where he could find Noolla, blocking her ears in case he decided to emit some kind of warrior like sound as he usually did when he was about to kill someone he really didn't like.

Vegeta tipped his head back opened his mouth and instead of the maniacal laughter he was expecting, due to the speed in which he had eaten his meal he emitted a rather large and long-winded burp.

Luckily he decided now would be a good time to leave and flew off to God-knows-where which could be said more correctly as Death-knows-where, since Destruction was momentarily distracted by a large moth and had run screaming from the room and so hadn't been able to see where Vegeta was headed. However, when she returned, breathing shallowly due to her immense fright, Death told her so now it's Death and Destruction-knows-where. The two authoresses then proceeded to steal a jet plane (while giggling hysterically) from Capsule Corp. so they could follow Vegeta.

Anyway-

Bulma shrugged after watching the pretty blue sparkles that signaled Vegeta's flight path disappeared and went upstairs humming a disgustingly catchy tune.

As Vegeta flew, he became aware a rather large and non-too-subtle jet plane was following him, accompanied by some hysterical giggling. He turned around and flew backwards, a trait he had long ago learned while being attacked on a moon whose name he couldn't remember because he had blown it up a few seconds later, to better see who was following him. The two pilots appeared to notice that he had appeared to notice them and quickly one of them scribbled something on a piece of paper and stuck it onto the windshield. It said "_We are not following you_." Vegeta frowned, than shrugged, turned around and kept on flying, ignorant of the fact that the jet was, indeed, still following him.

Vegeta came rather suddenly on the Channel 7 Prime station, rather conspicuous and easy to find by the huge number seven sticking out of the top of it. He checked his coordinates. Yes, this is where his greatest enemy at this particular moment was. He growled, lowering his eyebrows in that way that made him look even more dangerous than he normally did. Not that he normally didn't look dangerous or anything, but his eyebrows made him look more so. But….not that eyebrows look particularly dangerous on their own but on Vegeta, any common eyebrow could look dangerous. He hissed the name of his enemy, and twitched slightly. 'Noolla.'

For once, Vegeta decided to be normal and enter through the front door, rather than a side window or even the back door. However, the normalness failed as he….flew through the front door. Dodging staff, executives, coffee carriers and computers as he flew….oh sorry, did I say dodge? I meant smash, plunge and basically make a large Vegeta-shaped hole in anything that got in his way, so really it was the staff, executives, coffee carriers and computers of Channel 7 Prime that dodged Vegeta as he searched for the one known as…Noolla.

He found her rather quickly. He just followed the annoying jingle that sent his teeth on edge, a deep and meaningful gut instinct that guided him…and those giant neon signs. But he was using the deep and meaningful gut instinct more. No, really. He landed in front of her and growled. She looked surprised for a minute, staring at the rather short, angry looking man with the tall hair twitching slightly, glaring at her with eyes that might have belonged to the Devil himself. It was, all in all, very impressive.

She crouched down to his eye level, smiling. 'You must be little Tommy Brown from the orphanage come for an autograph from everyone's favorite weathergirl.'

Little Tommy Brown gave her a murderous stare.

'I'm going…to kill…you.' Vegeta had suddenly morphed from little Tommy Brown from the orphanage who only wanted an autograph from his favourite weathergirl to psycho nutcase in Noolla's eyes. Undeterred, she clapped twice and, out from behind her where they had been concealing themselves somehow even though they were all twice as tall as her and three times as wide, stepped her bodyguards.

She smiled at the psycho nutcase and indicated the bodyguards on either side of her. 'Allow me to introduce Booi-ikky -ikky –boorang- matti-kick-PFFFT….and Bob. They can take you apart.' Vegeta growled and folded his arms. The only thing impressive about them was the fact they were taller than he was. And that wasn't impressive in his eyes. It was annoying. They were mocking him with their tallness!

'Booi-ikky-ikky-boorang-matti-kick-PFFFT, Bob, get him!'

A few seconds later, two burly bodyguards were flung through the roof of Channel 7 Prime, narrowly missing a circling jet manned by two insane authoresses who had no idea to land the thing. One was reading from the instructions while the other tried to control and steer the plane while screaming hysterically. They glanced up as the men flew past, shrugged, and returned to their individual jobs: reading the instructions and trying to control and steer the plane while screaming hysterically.

Back in Channel 7, Noolla gaped at the ceiling at the disappearing forms of her bodyguards. She then looked back down at the growling short man who had just single handedly flung them through the ceiling. Vegeta began forming a ki ball in his hand. He was almost lost behind its brightness and Noolla stood there, transfixed by the ball. She would have been destroyed right then if the Prime Possum had not wandered down that particular corridor at that particular moment, practicing his line for tonight's broadcast. He had only done that same line for around twenty years and one would have thought he would have known it by now. However, people hired to wear possum suits aren't exactly rocket scientists. 'Good night, boys …no good night girls? Or maybe it's good morning…but I'm going to bed so it couldn't be that…'

Unfortunately Prime Possum walked directly into the standoff between Vegeta and Noolla just as Vegeta released his ki ball. The resulting explosion created a crater around sixty kilometers across, turning Channel 7 into a heap of rubble. Miraculously though, the giant seven was unharmed. Vegeta flew away, mission accomplished.

Meanwhile, back at Capsule Corp,

Bulma turned on the TV to see a live broadcast, not surprisingly, from another channel and not Channel 7 Prime, showing the huge crater which used to be Channel 7. The rather amused looking news reporter looked absolutely thrilled at the loss of a competitor even as she tried to speak in an acceptable unhappy mournful tone.

'And it seems that Channel 7 isn't going to be broadcasting anytime soon as their building has been blown up by unnamed assailants. I have received word that the charming and pretty weathergirl Noolla Alloon has been killed in the blast and that the cuddly Prime Possum may indeed never part with his possum suit again, as it and he are burnt beyond recognition. Amazingly enough, no one else was injured, not even the computers. Divine providence or annoyed viewers? We may never know. This is Annabel Smith, for Interesting and Potentially Rating Raising News.'

Bulma smiled dopily and turned around as Vegeta burst in through the window. 'Hey look, Vegeta, someone blew up Channel 7 Prime just then! You missed the breaking news! Gee, I wonder who could do such a thing and only kill and harm two people?'

For a minute Vegeta stared, unable to believe she was this dumb. But when no recognition dawned on her face after a few minutes, he merely rolled his eyes and flew out of the window again to train.

Bulma sat up, looking out of the window after Vegeta. 'Vegeta,' she called with an air of perplexing-ness, 'Where are you going?'

The ki blast aimed dangerously close to her head from the direction of the gravity chamber a couple of seconds later, accompanied by several very colourful expressions, did nothing to jog Bulma's memory.

As the sun set over the hills, a certain jet plane continued to circle around the Channel 7 ruins. Yes, the authoresses still hadn't the foggiest idea how to land the plane.

'Have you found it in the instructions yet, Death?' Destruction's voice was rather hoarse from the strenuous hours of screaming hysterically while trying to control and steer the plane.'

'Nope.'

'Oh for God's sake, you've got the bloody manual upside down!'

'So THAT'S why it looked like it was in Japanese!'

There was a rather violent scream of anger and the muffled thumps of someone beating someone else around the head with a heavy instruction book as the night closed in.

_There we go! Now update and you shall get more delicious freakiness from the next chapter of Drunk, property of Death and Destruction Co, sponsored by Channel 7 Prime and Golfing Cape Calf Shields Corp._

_And for anyone who wishes to buy a Death and Destruction Co T-shirt, tastefully decorated with mushroom clouds of destruction, skulls and the mottos, "Are you dead yet?" and " Don't underestimate the power of the insane." You can't, because we haven't made them yet. We are, however, wearing shirts saying, for the appropriate person, with arrows pointing accordingly, "I'm with Death" and "I'm with Destruction". Cool, eh?_

_Until next time, farewell!_


End file.
